A vigilant housewife's recipe

I wrote this several years ago, and I am uploading it again for laughs....I submitted it to another website but I guess it was edited in a way that didn't show more craziness... So here is my unedited version.

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Television  programs like “Legal wife” or “two wives” that is trending in the pinoy boob tube, makes us wonder if our husbands are having sideline chikabooms, sidekicks or side dishes we don’t know. Even a glance at another woman, or just a mention of a girl’s name often makes us suspicious…..Here is a recipe/article  I wrote years ago in finding out how to take out your suspicious aggressions that might bother every wife and girlfriend.  Enjoy.

A HOUSEWIFE’S  RECIPE

4 chicken breasts (name them according to your suspects)

1 bottle pizza sauce

basil leaves

i pack grated mozarella cheese

4 tablespoon olive oil

Wash the chicken breasts under cold running water.  

Wipe dry and place each breast on a cutting board.

Now take a meat pounder and hit each breast with resounding force.  

While doing so, shout out obscenities and curses of the girl you think is

flirting with your significant other.

Sprinkle salt and pepper on the breast.  Place a pan on the stove and turn on medium

heat.  Go to your room and check your man’s cellphone if there is any messages from

any woman you don’t know.  NONE.  Go back to the kitchen.

Place oil on the pan and fry the breasts.  Go check your facebook and see if there is any messages on his wall from any woman or if there are women friends he had befriended and

are not familiar to you.  NONE.  Go back to the kitchen and flip the chicken to cook

the other side.  Go check on your house phone for numbers he may have dialed

which are not found on your list of phone numbers.  NONE.

Open the bottle of pizza sauce and spread over chicken.  While waiting for sauce to bubble,

go to the laundry room and check if there are any lipstick marks or any scent of lady’s perfume

on your man’s clothes.  NONE.  Now go back to the kitchen and check if the sauce has bubbled.

Sprinkle chopped basil leaves and cover with grated mozarella cheese.  Remove from fire.

Turn on the oven broiler, and set if for 5 minutes.  Place your pan of  chicken dish under the broiler to create that golden finish.  That will give you enough time to go to the garage and check

his car for  any lady’s items which are not yours.  Meticulously check also for undoubtful strands of hair (pubic or otherwise).  NONE.

You find yourself elated for having no evidence whatsoever and think you are one lucky girl.

Prepare the dinner table with the best china , silver utensils and a bottle of expensive wine.

Then  imagine that every bite that goes into your mouth, will be a celebration….However,

the smile quickly turns into a frown as you imagine…….could my significant other like MEN instead?......TOINK!

THREE COOKING GADGETS EVERY FILIPINO HOME IN THE US SHOULD HAVE

By Vanette Colmenares

New York City — Having lived in the land of milk and honey, I often feel a longing for my childhood comfort food.

And if a Filipino restaurant, especially in the midwest, is far from where one resides, you can always make your own food. I make my fresh lumpia with jicama, ham, and coleslaw veggies instead of the usual ubod (heart of palm). Or I flavor my rice puto a.k.a. biko with orange zest. Sometimes, when I feel like eating ‘ginamos’ or bagoong, I simply saute garlic and onion with a can of anchovies which I mash and spread over my jasmine rice.

Tools, equipment, and appliances as well as the ingredients play a major role in making many Pinoy meals. And I always rely on the magic three:

RICE COOKER. Asians are starch eaters and therefore will always have rice as their staple even amid erroneous reports that it makes you bulge. (Are Japanese people fat considering they eat rice all the time?) Try to get a good brand that can offer you 24 hour fresh hot rice without conking out. My son has one, and in his house, hot rice is always available any time of the day.

SLOW COOKER: Let’s face it. Filipinos love their nilaga (stewed meat), adobo and kare-kare yet do not have the time to prepare due to work constraints. Owning a slow cooker where you dump the meats and hard veggies in the crock pot before you work, and by the time you get back, the meat would have been softened to perfection thus only adding the greens into it.

TURBO BROILER: If there’s one thing Filipinos have truly embraced from our Asian neighbors, that is the love for fat – fried or grilled food. Lechon kawali and crispy pata are dishes that need to be drowned in heated fat to attain that crispy, crunchy finish. But having a turbo broiler can eliminate such hassle. The food also becomes healthier. Moreover, the ‘bibingka’ (rice cake) can be made using the turbo broiler as well.

We are famous for adobo and can be prepared many ways. It can be stewed in the slow cooker with its sauce. And if you want it done with a crispy finish, you can continue by using the turbo broiler as well.

Having these three gadgets will surely make one less homesick especially when craving for those Pinoy comfort food. So, what are you waiting for? Go get them and start cooking.

Show and Tell

“Is Silvana in?”  asked the person on the other line of my phone.

“Who's calling please?”  I asked, incredibly  hoping it’s not a telemarketer.

“This is Jerry from the Dr. Oz show.  Can I speak to Silvana please.”  he says.

And so this started my whole conversation that I was selected as a VIP audience for the Dr. Oz show taping the next day and he asked if I was available.  Of course I am available.  I may not have a job at the moment, but hey, I keep myself busy.

There is never a dull moment for me, but because it’s winter time, I’d rather do things indoors like…..hmmmm…. HOUSEWORK????....that’s why my hubby confided to the kids that finally, he has a WIFE….but there are times I need to go out or else I wil go crazy from  having cabin fever.

But I am not one to always look for housework---I am also addicted to anything computer.  Facebook, Words with Friends, Googling, Kindle--etc..and in one of those moments, I looked for shows that offered free tickets--and the perks of New York are aplenty.  So then, last Tuesday I went to the Rachel Ray show.

There was already a long que of people, when I arrived, but I didn’t mind even if it was freezing cold.  There was a food truck that gave away free coffee, tea, bagels and cake for the audiences who were participating.  And once inside the studio, we were prompted by a comedian on how to act.  If he made a circular motion with his hands we were to applaud, and if he made his motions faster, we were to shout and clap some more.  NO whislting though.  And then there were segments that Rachel would say something yummy , the prompter would be circling his hands on his tummy and we were to say, “HMMMMMM.”....And if he would do a duck  quack with his fingers on both his hands, we were to laugh--” ha ha ha”...  We were such idiots, I could say, but it was fun.

Am not much of a RAchel Ray fan, but I just get a kick out of going to these events. Besides, she is really a nice celebrity.  I realized how tough her job was. And the studio?...you’d think it was warm with all those lights?---it was like winter in wonderland. And the two most known guest for the day were Kristie Alley (she is gorgeous and lost 50 pounds) and the biggest looser host: Bob Harper....and some other guests who have tv shows, but i don't watch tv nowadays.  And in my lifetime I've only watched the Rachel Ray show twice....(hehe)

Unlike the RAchel Ray, where I scheduled the day I wanted to be an audience, with the Dr. OZ show, I didn’t care what day I would watch it,  so I placed myself on their ‘ON CALL’ list. And true enough, two days later I got the call.

The ABC studio,  where Dr. OZ tapes, allows you to wait inside the building, as the corridor was long enough to accommodate the number of people allowed in.  However, the only thing they offered was a 4 oz water bottle in the waiting room. (Rachel Ray had snacks and magazines for give aways).   But the ABC weren’t as strict because they allowed cameras inside but had to be turned off once taping started since it will disrupt some of the equiptments frequencies. And the place was relatively warm.  And the guest that day was Sarah Fergusson, Duchess of York, who also lost a lot of weight.  And some other doctor and another so called DJ who also lost weight... anyway....

I did enjoy myself in both shows and the messages they had were clear.  EAT RIGHT and BE HEALTHY.

And if given the choice of what kind of celebrity I would want to be:  A FOOD COOKING, FUN LOVING Person like Rachel,  or someone who is SMART, KNOWLEDGABLE with SEX APPEAL like Dr. OZ, my answer would be:  I'd rather be my CRAZY SELF.

this is an old picture that I had with Rachel Ray...